Posts in Especially for Educators
Celebrating the Wisdom of Teens—Really!

I’m ridiculously amazed at how much my son has grown in the past few weeks while I’ve been conducting what I think of as my “compassionate observation experiment.” 

My intention during this time was to focus on replacing instruction from me about what he should do and be with compassionate observation of who he is already, where it seems he wants to go, and how it works best for him to get there.

It’s an experiment that builds on the belief that he is already good and wise at the core of his being (even as a teenager!) and therefore, that he knows more about what’s best for him than I do.  (For my college-aged readers, I want you to know especially that I believe this about you too.)

Side note: This is the idea that academic and life coaching is based on too and that’s why I love it so much.  It opens a whole realm of untapped wisdom that we often overlook.  

This belief in the inherent wisdom of individuals contrasts with dominant views about teenagers that emphasize their poor judgement, lack of knowledge and experience, and resulting need for lots of adult instruction and control over their lives.

There’s some truth to this more deficit-based perspective as well, of course.  Teens do, in fact, have undeveloped brains with some significant disconnections between the logical, rational part of the brain and the parts that determine their emotions and actions.  They often do need adults to “connect the dots.” 

Still, teens (mine included) tend to get PLENTY of instruction and control from parents and teachers and counselors etc.  In this experiment, I wanted to tip the scales a bit in the other direction. 

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineparenting, history, African Americans, compassion, celebrationComment
What Do You See? What Do You See?

As you know if you read my post last week, I’ve been observing my younger son closely—taking a break from giving him instructions about how he should live his life. (Yes, I still tell him to put his dishes in the dishwasher!)  I must say it’s been a really fun experiment! 

I don’t know how all the energy stuff works in the world, and though I think there’s some truth in it, I also think there are some serious gaps/errors in the whole Law of Attraction/The Secret idea—you know, the “what you think about is what you get” concept. 

But at the same time, I’ve certainly found that my own experiments with changing my focus and my stories about life, focusing on what’s good, using my imagination in positive ways to envision what I hope for, often have a hugely positive impact in my actual, physical life.

This is one of those times. 

During the past week, it’s as if I opened a door to growth for my son, just by backing off and observing him with a spirit of compassion and curiosity.

It may be coincidence (the only way to know will be to keep trying new experiments to see if a pattern appears), but without my prodding in the past week he’s moved out towards: 1) doing something he loves in the arts AND, 2) conquering the ever-illusive concepts of geometry in his own way.  These were goals his dad and I had for him, but our rules and plans about how he should reach them had thus far had little effect.

In addition, I’ve noticed that he’s responding to his dad and me in more mature ways in relation to the responsibilities and expectations we have for him, expressing his own desires and preferences in ways that leave room for us to work out a plan that feels good to all of us. 

For example, on Sunday I wanted him to go put his clothes in the dryer at a time when he didn’t want to do it.  I said I didn’t want to go to bed without feeling sure that it was going to happen.  Rather than getting defensive or yelling something to the effect of “I’m fifteen.  Why can’t you just trust me!  I’ll get it done!”  He said, “If I don’t do it, no screens for me tomorrow.”  I said, “Okay, that works.”  And when I woke up in the morning the clothes were done.  Win. Win.

I also learned that he doesn’t just like music, or rap, he likes “lyrical rap” specifically.  This is a new term for me.  And it’s given me a hint about how I might be able to help him move in a direction he’s interested in. 

It struck me that I’ve been practicing this kind of curious and compassionate observation, not only with him, but with myself—and with similar positive results.  (Maybe next I’ll try it with my husband!) 

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineparenting, finding your joy, making personal change, African Americans, historyComment
Building a Life You Love, Step 1 (and a tip for 2017 planning)

Happy New Year! 

I feel as if I should be writing about how to set your intentions or goals or something to that effect, as that is what most of the writers I follow are doing, but the problem is that I haven’t set mine, so it would be a bit inauthentic to act as if I’m on top of the whole new year routine.

I did pull out my “Priorities and Goals” folder last weekend (pleased as anything that I knew exactly where it was!), but I still haven’t managed to do more than skim through my 2015 review and 2016 intentions.  So, if you wanted to pause and think about what you want out of 2017 and you haven’t done it yet, I’m right there with you!  And I want to remind you that we haven’t lost our chance just because it’s past January 1. 

I, for one, plan to pause and look back at 2016 and sit with my hopes and intentions for 2017 this coming weekend—and maybe in bits and pieces over the month of January.  Maybe you, like me, don’t feel able to find a big chunk of time to do it, but you could schedule a half hour here or there.  That’s fine.  That’s good.  Just do that. Or do nothing, if that feels more appealing.  You can still build a great life this year, with or without January goals/intentions/resolutions.

For those who do want to set some intentions for the new year over the course of the month of January I’ll share something each week that might help you as you do. 

Today, it’s a great question I was asked by coach Joanna Lindenbaum yesterday, “How do you want to FEEL in 2017?” I love this question.  Still pondering it for myself.

I think “delighted,” might be part of my answer, which is interesting considering that this has been a rough few weeks for me in the “delighted” category and not because of anything “technically” all that difficult.

The thing is I’m pretty good at BIG THINGS.  Major crisis?  I can handle it.  But bad weather in Southern California when my oldest son is here for a short visit – I LOSE MY MIND.   I scream at my husband and at California itself.  “California is sooooo mean!  It’s not fair!” I say!  I pout.  I stomp.  I cry.  I act as if I am about two-and-a-half-years-old. 

The emotional challenge I experience in the face of small everyday disappointments is not new for me (though the frequency has decreased.)   What IS new for me is my reaction to my meltdowns (a.k.a. my complete failure to be who I want to be and who I believe I should be in these moments) and to other kinds of failures: missed deadlines, blown budgets, embarrassing outfits, etc.  

I want to share with you what’s changed for me because I believe it is a foundational piece of the path towards building a life you love—and loving other people too!

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Especially for EducatorsDeb Shine Valentineself-care, compassion, parenting Comments
A Really Common Belief that's Hurting You and Your Kids

I’m going to go a tiny bit “professor” on you today.  I hope you’ll forgive me!  I’ll try to make sure that the learning is fun – because making work playful is really kind of the point of this “lesson.”

Without getting too philosophical or delving too deeply into my historical research on the American Play Movement—which is what brought play into schools and simultaneously defined it as less important than the “real work” of academics— I want to encourage you to consider that the very common belief “play is the opposite of work” might be very, very bad for kids, and adults too, for that matter. 

Here’s what got me thinking about this today:  A student teacher told me yesterday that she was pleased with herself because she had “tricked” her students into “learning and doing work” by playing lots of games that “had good content.”  

“And they thought we were just playing!” she exclaimed.

My response was this: “They were playing.  Our culture has tricked you into believing that play and work are mutually exclusive.”  

My problem isn’t with this student teacher (who is an amazing play advocate herself,) but with the idea that when someone is “just playing” they are “not working,” and the connected implication that work is way more IMPORTANT than play.  

I’m convinced that these two beliefs—1) that play is not work and, 2) that work is more important than play—are doing a lot of damage to kids and to the adults to care for them.  Namely – you.  

There’s plenty of research (and more coming all the time) to show that play is very often the best way to learn, the best method for increasing productivity, creativity and problem-solving and a very effective stress-reliever for kids and adults alike (which is hugely important factor in overall health and happiness.) But still we talk and act as if play is not important, not essential.

Because I know you care about kids AND you also care about finding ways to love life yourself, I want to invite you to join me in an effort to change how we talk about work and play.  

Why change our words first?  Shouldn’t we go build a playground or something?  

Maybe.

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentinestress relief, self-care, historyComment
Feeling Stressed? Try This.

I’m guessing that most of you are pretty stressed right now. 

For many teachers and for college students it’s the end of a semester packed full of final projects and papers and the stress of giving and/or receiving grades. 

For moms, it’s the holidays and, as I mentioned last week, the pressure of creating perfect holiday happiness is most often felt heavily by moms, perhaps even more so for stay-at-home moms.

And some of you are teachers AND moms!  You might even be a teacher, a mom AND a student – the trifecta of stress at this time of year.

So, this week I thought I’d provide a few stress relieving tips:

1)     Watch this SNL skit which makes fun of political liberals post-election in the best possible way – fun for conservatives and liberals alike.  Brooklyn in a Bubble.  I was laughing outloud.

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineself-care, stress relief Comment
Welcoming the Mess of Thanksgiving

It’s Thanksgiving, so I imagine that very few of my readers will be tied to the computer anxiously awaiting my Thriving Thursday thoughts.  For the few of you who are in such need of distraction that you’ve decided to show up, I hope you will find room here for exactly whatever it is that you are experiencing today.

Holidays are complicated.  And part of the complication is that we think that they “should” be simple, uncomplicated and happy—like in the movies.  The pressure for perfection is often especially heavy for moms who feel that they must orchestrate everyone else's holiday happiness.  And that idea brings pressure for kids too—who are supposed to be happy (or at least act happy)—as a result of all the work that goes into creating this perfection.  

So today, more than anything I just want to give you room to have your holiday be whatever it is—which is most likely a big complicated mess of happy and sad, perfect and imperfect, horrible and beautiful. 
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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineself-care, historyComment
Playing in Pursuit of Serious Stuff

When you can’t go forward and you can’t go backward

 and you can’t stay where you are

without killing off what is deep and vital in yourself,

you are on the edge of creation

Sue Monk Kidd 

I don’t know about you, but I sense that I am on this edge of creation.  And I have a gut feeling that learning more about how to play in pursuit of really serious stuff is part of the new thing that needs creating.  Can’t say it makes sense yet, but that’s often the way it goes when we’re creating something new.

As an educator, educator-in-training, or a mom, I’m guessing you are an advocate of play in some way shape or form. 

Maybe your support of play is very personal and private.  You’ve invested in purchasing toys for your children to enhance their play.  You’ve added some Legos to your classroom or 15 minutes of free play to the daily schedule.  You’ve played Candyland or Legos or tea parties for the 97th time because your child wanted to.  Maybe you invest a lot in supporting your child’s love of lacrosse, or dance, or music, or photography.  Maybe you plan indoor recess when outdoor recess is cancelled.

Or maybe your support of play is a bit bigger.  You’ve volunteered at a local park to clean up the space or donated to an organization that builds playgrounds in underserved communities.  You’ve have created active play-centered lessons in your classroom even though you know you could get in trouble for deviating from the standard curriculum.  Maybe you’ve gone to the school board to fight for more recess time in your district.  Maybe you led a toy drive for the local homeless shelter.

If you’re anything like me you are all on board with the idea that children need to play, but do you think that play is an actual need for adults?

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine ValentinePlay, social justiceComment