As I sit to write to you all, the afternoon sunlight is streaming through my window illuminating the leaves on one of my plants, and one of my hands on my computer as I type.
I adore afternoon light, especially in fall. I adore fall. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t fall in love with Southern California when I lived there. In fact it was right around this time of year, just before American Thanksgiving, when I returned to the East Coast and never went back, except to help pack up our apartment and later to visit my son. I remember being so grateful that there were still a few trees with fall colors on them in November (I was in Virginia) because I thought they’d all be bare by then.
What deep nourishment that was to my soul. And my body, honestly. And my heart.
I have another possibility of deep nourishment that’s arising for me next week. I’m heading to France. I wasn’t planning on this trip, but doors opened and it seems now to be perfectly timed, after the intensity of preparing for and running the Living What We Value webinar series which was a lot more work than I anticipated (I’m an ideas person and that’s often the case).
As of today I’ve decided that despite the fact that I CAN work from anywhere and there’s always something useful I could be doing, I’m not going to.
What’s fascinating to me is how much support I’ve needed to get to the point of this decision. It feels wrong—for so many reasons—to go and “just be on vacation.” And yet I’d be the first to champion rest and restoration and celebration for anyone else!
I used to think of myself as being extremely good at vacationing and not working. When I had salaried jobs I had no problem not checking emails or taking projects with me. I used to hate it when my husband did. But life as an entrepreneur is a little different. Plus, I’ve also started to see the downside of having inflexible rules about things.
I intentionally did some work from my recent mini-vacation in the Finger Lakes with my mom. Because not doing so would have been too costly to my business, and also because otherwise I couldn’t have gone at all. But it meant the trip wasn’t very restorative for me. Good, but not restorative.
The timing is different for this unexpected trip; the webinar series is done. The follow-up emails and replay reminders are written and scheduled. I’ve made some important updates to my work-with-me page on my website. It’s actually not a bad moment to pause before I kick off my new commitment to showing up on Instagram and start the next project in my business.
Still, there are parts of me that are uncomfortable receiving this gift. Taking in the nourishment that is available to me, without doing more to earn it.
On one hand, it’s so funny to me how much support I needed today to get to the place where I can tell you that I am not taking my computer to France. It’s such a small thing. Who cares? But on another level I can feel how it’s a big thing - it’s refusing to buy into some powerful cultural narratives about worthiness and rest and play and privilege and who knows what else.
Anyway, here’s how I was met in this challenge.
First, when I did my twice-weekly morning practice with my friend Sara, she said, almost as an aside, something along the lines of how glad she was that I was “really taking off work” and I could feel that I hadn’t FULLY decided to do that, but that it seemed true. True as in aligned with Love’s path in the world. Right for me at this moment.
Then I went to a business mastermind group and shared that I thought maybe my next business move is to go really be off work on this trip and the very practical and challenging coach didn’t disagree, just helped me finalize my website changes so I can be done and get going. She suggested taking some short videos to use on Instagram later and idea that I love and will do.
Yet and still (three times’s the charm!) at the very end of another online group call — this one was with my Truce with Food For Life buddies and we talk a lot about reclaiming feminine ways of knowing and being, including receiving and welcoming mystery etc. — I got that internal “you need to say something” nudge, and I started CRYING (often a sign I’m touching on something important) when I said that I’ve been feeling like I need to just be on vacation on this trip but it FEELS SO WRONG. The crying itself was part of my answer, but they also cheered me on.
So I’m writing this piece for any of you who long to feel deeply rested and deeply nourished and yet struggle to give yourself permission to take in the rest and nourishment that is available to you.
Maybe because other people have less than you
Maybe because some part of you thinks you haven’t earned it
Maybe because you have a to-do list a mile long and are believing the lie that if you just work a little more you’ll get it all done
Or something else.
I’m writing in the hopes that I can be one of your “three times’s the charm” cheerleaders saying, “Do it! Take it in! Pause! Receive! Rest!”
I know that this message isn’t for all of you at this moment. It wasn’t for me a couple weeks ago. Then the message for me was “You got this. Keep going.” If you’re in that moment right now. Be in that.
But if this message is for you, I hope you’ll experiment with receiving.
Like me, you might feel the tears of knowing pushing out from behind your eyes. You might feel the nudge to say to someone who is safe to for you to share with - “I’m going to do this terribly wrong thing. I’m going to receive. I’m going to rest. I’m going to celebrate. Even as the world is suffering”.
Because the world is suffering and that’s not something to ignore. But/and/also it is alive. And we are alive. And life is meant to be lived and enjoyed and celebrated.
I can pretty much guarantee that if you’re reading this, you have some level of choice about how much you let yourself enjoy what you have available to you.
I’m pretty sure that you will do the work that’s yours to do in this lifetime - otherwise you wouldn’t open my emails. It’s a longing that we share. You will give, and serve, and stand with and for, make art, raise men who respect women, advocate for prison reform, care for stray cats. You will do your part.
But perhaps today your counter-cultural work is to take in the beauty of light on a fall afternoon. To play in the leaves. To hug your beloved. To be here. To be alive. Just to be you.
I truly believe that the collective thriving that we long for cannot be disconnected from the way we approach the journey we take to create it. This is where we practice the both/ands. Thriving is the goal and it’s also the path.
I’m going to walk that path in France over these next couple of weeks.
I’ll report back in December. In the meantime, I’ll be sharing a couple of oldies-but-goodies from the blog for the next couple of Thursdays.
Here’s to thriving and equity, and a whole lot of bad ass well rested humans overflowing with love for all of it.